Motivation

All posts tagged Motivation

Men, you probably don’t realize this, but the single most important type of support you can provide is…

Take a guess.  Is it “emotional support” or “physical support”?

Emotional support means things like being loving, reassuring, holding her hand, helping to distract her when she needs it, and helping her to focus when she needs to.

Physical support means things like getting her water when she’s thirsty, helping with comfort techniques, holding her leg while she’s pushing, and we will even include things like helping make sure she gets pain medication or an epidural when needed.

On the one hand, touchy-feely stuff.  On the other, tangible things-I-can-do.

You’re probably thinking it’s not even close.  You’re right.  Not even close.

While researching the Field Guide to Being an Awesome Birth Partner, I heard a story.  A young lady headed to the hospital to give birth.  For reasons that don’t affect the story, she ended up having to go alone.  She didn’t have a support person that could come with her.  Not the father of the baby, not one of her parents, not a sister, not a close friend.  I felt bad hearing that.

It turned out to be a fairly long and painful birth.  Because she didn’t have a support person with her, the nursing staff filled that role.  From what I understand, they always had at least one nurse there just to be a support person, in addition to any nurses there for the usual medical tasks.

Finally, the baby was born, she got a chance to rest, and at some point, she was given some sort of “how’d we do” survey about the birth.  One of the questions was something along the lines of “On a scale of 1-10, how enjoyable was your birth experience?  1=awful, 10=rainbows and unicorns”

She put down 10.

Someone on the hospital staff noticed the answer to that question, and went to talk to her, thinking she had, perhaps, misunderstood the rating scale.  After all, it had been a long, painful birth–not just by the new mother’s experience, but according to the opinion of the medical professionals as well.

“Oh, no, I understood it.  I meant to put ten,” she said.  “Yes, it hurt a lot.  But I’ve never felt more loved and supported in my life!”

So there you have it.  Emotional support, at least to a woman in labor, is usually far more important than anything you’ll provide in terms of physical support.

So, men, while those physical support skills are important, being able to provide emotional support will be much more important to the woman you love.

It’s not even close.

Yeah, so I’ve read about what a birth partner is, and why I need to be involved, and all that stuff.  And you say that a guy needs to be tough to be a birth partner.  I’m just not that kind of guy though.  I’m not good at being gentle, and I I know I’m going to say the wrong thing if I try.

– Some Guy

Some guys feel like they’re too tough to be a birth partner.  Some guys realize their limitations–they’re not good at coming up with the right words at the right time, or they’re clumsy, or they’re manual laborers with big rough hands.

Knowing your limitations is a good thing.

Letting your limitations loom too large in your mind is a bad thing.  Doing that can focus you on your limitations instead of your capabilities.

To be perfectly blunt about this, you (assuming you’re the father of this particular baby) somehow were capable enough that the lovely woman about to become the mother of your baby chose you.  Start with that.

Being a birth partner can be hard work.  Maybe it’d be easier if you were better with words, or could easily memorize a whole bunch of comfort techniques, or had a medical degree.  But those really aren’t the important things.

The important thing in being a birth partner is to love and support the mother in labor.  That can be as simple as paying attention to her, holding her hand, and telling her “I love you, you can do this.”  If you’re not good with words, figure out what you can do without words–gentle touches, comfort techniques, or smiles might be good options.  If you’re worried about being clumsy, figure out what you can do–smiles and reassuring words while remembering to be a bit extra-careful.

Don’t count yourself out just because you’re not perfect.  You can still help that special woman through labor.  Focus on the things you can do, not the things you can’t.  She’ll be glad you did!

“Heck no.  I’m not good at that touchy-feely stuff.  I’ll build the crib, but I’m a man, not some ‘birth partner’ person.”

Would it surprise you to know that some men view being a good birth partner as “touchy-feely” and not particularly manly?

Some men have that view because they understand themselves well.  They realize that they are not naturally empathetic.  They are used to powering through difficulty and getting things done.  They understand that their strength and power don’t easily translate to being a good birth partner.  They may not use those words, but those are the feelings they have.

Some men have that view because they are being selfish.  Being a birth partner, whatever that is, kind of sounds like hard work.  Besides that, it’s going to take preparation to be able to do a good job.  They feel like being physically present in the birthing room should be enough, and that support from the doctors and nurses should be enough to get the mother-to-be through labor.

Most men have had some of those thoughts, both from selfishness and from self-understanding.  Being a birth partner is not something that we get trained to do.  It’s something we end up doing, winging it the whole time, and just hoping to get through it.  We don’t like the idea of failing, but–being untrained and unprepared–we feel like we’re set up for failure.

And so we think of reasons we’re not qualified.  Or too tough and manly to become qualified.

Absolutely understandable, guys.

Keep thinking about it, though, and you come to a different conclusion.  Who better than a tough, manly man to do something difficult for someone he loves?  Who better than someone used to powering through difficulty to be supportive and gentle and loving through a long and difficult labor?  Who better than a man, knowing he can do pretty much whatever he puts his mind to, to put his mind to being the best possible birth partner he can?

That’s right, nobody better.  Guys, who can do a better job than you, if you decide you’re going to do something?  That’s right.  Nobody.  You–you–can be a great birth support person.

Think of it this way:  your mission is to get this woman (your wife, girlfriend, etc.) through childbirth in the best possible physical and emotional condition.  With a little bit of preparation and training, this is an achievable goal.  You don’t have to read all of her pregnancy books or anything like that.  Do some research on your own, or find a book focused on teaching birth partners exactly what they need to know, and get trained for your mission.

Once you’re equipped, you’ll be ready to demonstrate that you’re not just a tough guy.  You’ll be ready to demonstrate that you’re tough enough to be an awesome birth partner.

One of the biggest concerns that women have about their birth partner before the birth is that he won’t know what to do or that he’ll do the wrong thing.

One of the biggest fears that men have is a fear of failure.  If we’re pretty sure that we’re not going to succeed, we have a tendency to check out.  Have you ever seen a football team, down by 28 in the fourth quarter?  They’re on the field, running plays, but you can tell when their hearts aren’t in it.  They’re just letting time expire so they can get to the locker room.

A checked-out birth partner can be worse than no birth partner at all.  Birth partners, think of it from the perspective of the mother in labor.  She’s uncomfortable or in pain, and the person she trusts to help her through everything suddenly stops being helpful.  Sure, he’s still there, but he’s not doing anything.  If she’d known she wouldn’t have help, she could have planned on it, but the pain of dashed expectations while she’s already going through labor can really add up.

If you have a tendency to check out because you’re afraid you’ll fail, recognize that tendency in yourself.  Knowing you have that tendency will help you catch yourself feeling like it’s time to check out and do something safe, like turn on the TV.  As a birth partner, one of your primary goals is to be emotionally supportive.  You can’t do that if you check out.

If you check out because you’re afraid you’ll fail at being emotionally supportive, guess what?  You’ve failed.

If you keep yourself engaged in the process and try to be emotionally supportive, at least making an effort even if you don’t know what you’re doing, you will succeed.

Checking out guarantees you fail.

Now, if you’re checked in, engaged in the process, and trying to be supportive, you still might have troubles.  The more you know, the better you’ve prepared, the more ready you are, the better you’ll do.  But even if you’re totally unprepared, being checked in puts you miles ahead of where you’d be if you were checked out.

Have you ever seen a football team down by six with three minutes to go in the fourth quarter, and 90 yards to go?  They’re totally engaged.  Totally checked in.  Ready to do what it takes to win—because if they sit around and do nothing, they lose.